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Nice Try, Satan


But do you really think an exacerbation of psychiatric symptoms from a reactivation of Bartonella is going to do the trick? After everything else you tried? I will admit you have started to get to me on more than one occasion. There have been moments where I have been tempted to quit. But then I remember how big and mighty and awesome my God is!  Don’t you know that you don’t stand a chance? Just look at the track record, buddy. You started messing with my mind as a little kid. Whispering that “attention” was how people showed love. Your deceitful trickery somehow convinced me that I only mattered if I was doing something worthy of acknowledgement and affirmation. From the time I was a little kid I believed that love was 100% conditional based on performance. Right from the start you played your games and did all you could to make me doubt my worth and live in fear of never being enough for anyone.  I so wanted people to love me that I would do anything to obtain what I thought was their “love.” Like a chameleon, I would change my looks, behaviors, actions…all just to make someone…anyone… love and accept me. Allowing you to mess with my mind like that caused me to make some really bad decisions based on those fears and insecurities. Many of those decisions had extremely negative consequences. I started doing things that I knew were wrong – things I normally wouldn’t have done – just to make people love me. Because of those choices, I put myself in positions where physical and emotional abuse became a normal occurrence. IA allowed others to disrespect me because I never truly learned self-respect. I was a victim of rape. I was buried under so much guilt and shame that I thought there was no way I would ever be capable of having a healthy normal relationship. But God! Because of my powerful and healing God, the word “victim” has been replaced with the word “survivor.” I have worked through the abuses of my past and continue to do so and I’m now in a God-ordained marriage with a godly man who truly loves me without condition.  God’s choice for me won out. Are you at all surprised by that, Satan?

Doing things for acceptance and love  brought me down the rabbit hole of addiction and alcoholism. All those years when I was stuck in the downward spiral of addiction, I actually feared that you were going to win my soul. You had a temporary hold for sure. Guilt, shame, remorse, and fear were powerful chains to break free from. I was ready to end it because I could see no way out. But God! He has graciously given me the gift of sobriety! I am clean, living life on life’s terms, never needing substances to deal with the ups and downs of life.  I also help guide others to this same freedom. Looks like you lost that round too, Satan.

And how many times did I almost die because of my physical illness? Remember in 2010 when my family was saying goodbye because I was in complete renal failure with all my other major organs quickly shutting down? Yeah. Sorry Satan, but you didn’t get your way then either. God thought he should keep me around because he obviously had more for me to learn and more for me to do.

My foe, you thought that all these things combined would completely destroy my marriage. Wow, I’d be lying if I said you didn’t try hard here. You have no idea how close you have come to winning in this area…so many times. But God is STILL in the center of our marriage and as long as that is the case…you don’t stand a chance of breaking us.

Where am I going with all of this, my persistent enemy? Well, since you couldn’t break me with cocaine, alcohol, domestic violence, rape, PTSD, depression, anxiety, acute and chronic illness… What in the heavens makes you think this rise in psychiatric symptoms because of the brain inflammation is going to be what gets you into the Winner’s Circle? You are so ridiculous to even keep trying… why don’t you just give up and take a hike? I think it’s hysterical that you thought you were powerful enough to end me with these battles. I am thankful that even in the moments when I thought you might have had your grip on me…that God was working behind the scenes. You were stupid enough to think that those things were going to end me. And now look!! Jokes on you, Satan.

Those awful experiences – and the fact that God saw me through each and every one of them – is exactly what has qualified and equipped me to go out and tell others about what God has done for me. These things gave my art a voice and  purpose as a ministry, allowing me to reach and help people who have dealt with these very same things. What you have meant for harm – God has used for good! GOD WILL BE GLORIFIED!

When are you going to finally give up? You and I both know who wins! We both already know how the story ends! GOD WINS! And since Christ lives in me…that means I WIN TOO! So you can take your little tests and temptations and take a long walk off a short pier!

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