©2018 by Jennifer L. Scott - Artist. Proudly created with Wix.com

I Curse Myself & I Pray

I curse myself for being weak and timorous.

I am here again.

Why do I have to be here again?

Against my will.

Constrained to exist in a life that is not of my choosing.

I try to hold tightly to the momentary bright spots that dot this arduous perpetuity.

Extra cuddles and messy-face kisses from joyfully affectionate grandbabies.

The booming sounds of contagious belly laughs that tickle your insides.

The gentle caress of my husband’s strong hand across my cheek or shoulder.

An unexpected visit from a kind and fervid friend.

The breath of a gentle breeze across my body as beautiful distinct cloud formations part

to open the once tar-like sky,

revealing the shimmering dance of a luminous sun that now warms my face.

The feeling of wet blades of grass catching between my toes

as I slowly walk barefoot through the yard

 where so many fun family memories have been made.

Why isn’t it possible for me to keep these happy moments always at the forefront of my mind?

Thankful for the suns now radiant appearance; but no longer able to keep my tears hidden.

I can no longer claim them to be droplets of rain; rain which once disguised my tear-streaked cheeks.

My mind is filled with torment and my body is bedaubed in scars;

enveloped in an endless cycle of unmerciful and debilitating pain.

It’s far too much for far too long.

Impossible to endure.

I curse myself for being a coward.

Too weak and scared to keep going.

Too weak and scared to end the agony that

far too often outweighs the beautiful but momentary bright spots.

Too weak to rid myself of the constant pain, distress and desolation.

While so many people are fighting valiantly to save their lives

 I find myself praying for God to take mine.

I pray for my Creator to finally do what I am too cowardice to do on my own.

Those who love me worry when I come to this point.

When it seems too unbearable for me to continue on.

But they must remember why I curse myself.

I curse myself for being a coward.

For being weak.

 For not being able to end my own suffering.

There should be no fear created by my words. They are just words.

But my prayers?

 Those are very real and I pray fervently that God completely heal me and take me home.

 Home…where I will no longer be forced to live in physical and emotional pain.

An eternity where I will continuously be happy, joyous and free

in the loving arms of my Creator.

 I pray. I pray. I pray.